Ejaculate Conception

Ahh Christmas, the birth of HOLY Jesus!! Where Christians everywhere celebrate the miracle of immaculate conception. This is where Jesus's mother, the holy virgin, managed to become pregnant without ever being soiled by a man's penis. Do you believe this? Really? Contact me, I have a bridge for sale. I'll give you a great deal on it too.
What really happened is most likely something like this, so here is my holiday gift to you, the Theory of Ejaculate Conception.
 Women back then were sometimes subject to arranged marriages. From some accounts, Joseph, Marys husband, was an older fellow. So here she is, young Mary, married to an old cuck she's really not all that interested in to begin with. So the night of the wedding, without further adieu, he pulls out his withered, limp old prick. Mary is underwhelmed by this and tells him, in the words of women past, present, and future "Ickk, there is no WAY you are putting that in me!!" To which Joseph sighs and does what he has always done before marriage - rolls over, jerks off, and goes to sleep. Mary is a Shepherdess, her job is to go into nowheresville with a flock of sheep, graze them, and bring them back to town for safe keeping at night. One day she runs into a Sheppard. And he is not an old man. He is young, and very comely to look upon. She runs into him often in the fields, where the only eye witnesses to anything are the sheep, and they aren't talking. Things get close, and Mary learns that the young Sheppard's penis is neither wrinkled nor limp. Indeed, it is like a pile driver, the young Sheppard brags he can pound stakes with it, but what it winds up pounding is Mary, frequently. Being in ancient times, the worlds first condom shop has not yet opened so not surprisingly Mary gets pregnant. Now these days in such a situation there would most likely be a lot of yelling, with the word "slut" repeated about a hundred times, followed by an expensive and acrimonious divorce. Back in the day, Mary's day that is, they did things differently. Women got stoned to death for adultery. So Mary isn't about to say, "Oh yeah, I LOVED every second of it when my young stud boyfriend pumped his man-juice into me", because while the truth, such an admission would get her killed. From his frequent complaints at the marketplace everyone already knows Joseph hasn't been getting any so she can't claim him as the father. What to do, what to do?? Mary is no slouch, she concocts a story of god, miraculously impregnating her with no sex!! Immaculate Conception!!!!
 So she sold this bill of goods to enough of the ignorant not only to avoid being stoned, but to wind up becoming an enduring superstar who's fame has lasted to this day. You go girl!!!!

ET vs God

I used to call myself an agnostic, but according to this, I would be an agnostic atheist IE disbelieving in any gods, but open to the possibility they might exist. What does this have to do with ET and God? Well, it shows the same philosophy need not just be applied to religion, but fits well with little green( or grey ) men too. Both have their adherents, and personally I doubt flying saucers are whizzing around just as I doubt God sat on a cloud dictating to Moses how to live right. I do however, think even though it is very unlikely, the possibility of little space aliens visiting earth is a lot greater than God telling Noah to build in ark, with nowhere near enough genetic diversity to repopulate the animal kingdom.
The Christian god is based of a book, the bible, Christians are supposed to take on "faith" without any evidence or proof that what it says is true. Indeed, much of it goes against modern scientific theory, which unlike religion, has to undergo peer review. An example of this would be the age of the earth, which differ greatly according to the bible and scientists. So there is not much, (if any) proof of God whipping up the earth in seven days, then spending the rest of his time berating his favorite creation, man for bad behavior. Same goes for the little grey fellows, just a bunch of fuzzy, fake looking pictures and peoples claims to have seen them. Looks the same as far as evidence goes, however when you delve into possibility(although again, can't repeat this enough, both are unlikely) it gets interesting. There is just no precedent, or example for God, we can't say, look at that creature, we saw him through a telescope whipping up a world in seven days. There is, however, a race that went from grubbing in the dirt and throwing rocks to going into space. That's us, of course. While we can't currently get to other stars, there is a possibility that with better technology it could get done, although it would be a long, slow voyage requiring either a generation ship or some sort of Cryopreservation. There are millions of stars, so the possibility some other species could have evolved intelligence is pretty good. If they were older, or their civilization lacked a Dark Age there is a possibility their science would be more advanced, allowing them to build a starship. Notice I have NOT suggested a faster than light ship, as physics has proved that to be impossible. The Enterprise belongs with Jesus, you need FAITH to make that bad boy go! So while there are no budding examples to show God, human evolution and advancement at least shows that another race, capable of space travel is possible. Due to the enormous cost of building such a ship, and the fact that the Earth is located at pretty much the end of the Galaxy, make any such contact extremely unlikely. More possible than God, but still unlikely.

UPS - What can brown do for you?

I know what they can NOT do for me. How about starting by NOT SMASHING MY PACKAGES!!! I ordered a video card and not only was the outer box banged up, but the box inside of that one was too.





This in not the first time this shit has happened, I had ordered a router and that box was beat to shit even worse. I understand working for UPS sucks, I was told that for the guys who load the truck they have a dude standing near them with a stop watch, whose only job is to shit on them if they don't load the truck fast enough. I'm sure the drivers have to go through similar bullshit, they probably get shit on if delivery takes too long, even if they get stuck in rotten traffic. I can't confirm this but I was also told they get fired if they get in an accident. But here's the deal. I'm not the asshole standing behind them with a stop watch, nor am I the dickhead writing them up for being late when they get stuck in traffic jams. If the economy didn't suck so bad I'd say do yourselves AND me a favor and quit. Since most people in this economic suckathon are pretty much stuck with their jobs unless they don't mind the prospect of long term unemployment, I can only ask the impossible. Stop being douche bags. Your asshole bosses don't get punished when you smash my packages in a postal rage, the only person who gets fucked is me, and I have NOTHING to do with management policy at UPS.

Utah list of 1300 illegals, where is it?

Source: USA Today

A list of 1300 alleged illegal aliens has been mailed anonymously to federal and state agencies, legislators, and news media. There is now an all out manhunt. For those who mailed out the list, of course. Nowhere have I read that there will be any investigation as to whether the people named on the list are illegal or not. The list itself has remained unpublished, so it can't be verified by anyone whether any, or all of them are illegal. This has not concerned the news media, which has been monolithic in it's reporting on this, bloviating about how the list is "frightening Hispanics", as well as reporting complaints about it from "Hispanic advocacy" (read "illegal alien") groups complaining about how awful it is. In all the inane babble coming from the media there has so far been no speculation as to whether these people on the list are illegal or not. From the wall of silence on this matter coming from the press I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess most, if not all, are indeed illegals. The one thing the media HAS speculated about is that the list came from government workers. Here is a question I'd like to ask. Just how is it that a government agency has a list of illegals, and they are NOT being rounded up and deported? Here is another question for you. Now that the list has been released, why is there no talk ANYWHERE of deporting these people if they are, as I strongly suspect, illegals? I would like to ask just why is there such outrage against people releasing a list of what are, essentially, criminals? This is no different than releasing a list of deadbeat parents or any other criminal group. I'd like to make a prediction as to what will happen. The people who released this list will be tracked down, and prosecuted relentlessly, as well as be lambasted by the media. They will probably do some hard time in prison. Meanwhile, NONE of the illegals named on the list will be investigated or deported. I have some advice for anyone in the future thinking about sending out such a list. Don't just send it to politicians and the media. Send it to bloggers as well. If you send it to enough of them one of them will publish it online and it will spread like wildfire.

Good old days?

To be honest, a LOT of things from "the good old days" sucked ass. Pens are still here, but thank god 99.99% of the worlds typewriters are rotting at the bottom of landfills. Short, fat, fingers and keyboards don't mix well, I can't get a sentence out without a damn typo. Annoying from a computer, excruciatingly painful on a typewriter. Mario was OK, but killing zombies in l4d2 is better. One thing that WAS better in the old days was TV. That is, before TV canceled every show with even a hint of violence in it and replaced them all with sitcoms. You went from having cop shows, westerns, sci fi, horror, and mystery shows, as well as sitcoms to NOTHING but sitcoms. It was like Mr. Rodgers took over the TV networks. New sat cartoons sucked ass too, they even had a "new Popeye" where Popeye and Bluto didn't fight anymore. Same with Tom and Jerry, they stopped fighting. UGGGGHHHH!!!! The only good cartoons were the old Bugs Bunny and Woody Woodpecker shows, as well as the occasional Anime ( I recall Star Blazers ). I think that started in the late 70's, and the endless sitcom droneathon lasted for years and years and years….Zzzzzzzz. The Renaissance started with two very good shows, Tour of Duty, a series about Vietnam, and Star Trek, Next Generation, both of these series started in 1987. Now it seems like the best and most creative shows are mostly on cable networks, Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, The Wire and The Shield(both over, but still fit the bill). While the era of endless shitcoms (and even if you LOVE sitcoms, it was just too fucking much) is gone, I'd still say you had a LOT more variety of shows on 6 broadcast channels than you get now on over 100 channels on cable. And wtf with EVERYTHING, even so called "classic" movies having to be post 80's these days? I used to LOVE the old gangster movies with Bogart and Cagney, you NEVER see those anymore.

Toyota's woes provide opportunity for U.S. car companies

Toyota's quality issues could not have come at a better time for the Big three U.S. car companies. This article was pretty interesting.
One of the things they mentioned were the "bad carpets". Just my opinion, but I don't think there was ever anything wrong with the carpets, That was Toyota either not knowing or refusing to admit they had mechanical problems with the accelerators, which I'm sure are far more expensive to replace than the carpets. It was not mentioned by the article, but from what I have read elsewhere, the predominant problems seem to be emanating from the Japanese trying to cut costs by using cheap shit parts from third party suppliers in the U.S. and worse, Mexico. Christ, if I wanted transportation from Mexico I would have bought a donkey.

Up till now the U.S. car companies have never been able to compete with the Japanese in the small car market because on one side you had a car like the Corolla, which was known to hit the 200+ K mark, while being an infrequent visitor to the mechanic, while on the U.S. side you had the Pinto, the Gremlin, the Chevette, the Escort - just an endless suck-session of junky cars that not only didn't last long, but saw the mechanic frequently from cradle to grave. This soured (and rightly so) most peoples opinion of American made small cars, and made it almost impossible for Detroit to break into the small car market, for even if they came out with a great small car, who would believe it?

I'd say that now with Toyota's woes, it would be a great time for a U.S. car company to come out with a great, high quality small car that does NOT have a myriad of safety issues or mechanical problems, announced by an aggressive ad campaign. Unfortunately I doubt very much that will happen, the bone head CEO's of the U.S. car companies are far more likely to try introducing some new enormous SUV, even though gas is still expensive and is going up again.

Room Mates still suck

A while back I made this post about how bad room mates suck. This guys post confirms everything I said and then some...

From reddit:

 First, a little background on me.

A while back, some of you may remember my roommate killed my cat.

I had the roommate move out and filed charges. He is still at large with a state jail felony warrant out for his arrest. I do not know where he lives, but I recently discovered where he works.

A couple of weeks ago, my fiance and I discover that both of our cars have flat tires. Two flats each, both on the right side of the car. Our cars were not parked next to each other, and no other car was vandalized in the parking lot. Logic dictates that it was done by someone who knew both of our cars and had a grudge, so I naturally concluded that it was the ex roommate.

I filed a police report and never heard anything else about it. My fiance and I also made the decision to move. We move on Wednesday.

Well, two days ago, my fiance went to get gas. She discovered that her gas cap was missing and that the inside of the gas tank's mouth there was... some sort of sealant. We still haven't figured out exactly what it is. I checked my car, and sure enough, same thing.

I'm positive that it was the ex roommate, but the cops don't seem to care. I've told them where he works, but he has yet to be picked up.

What would you do in this situation?

Edit: So I was just checking the cars again, and got my finger stuck in gas thing... you know where you actually put the nozzle in when you are filling up? Yeah. Stuck, bleeding. Had to get the ice cream truck guy to call 911. There were 3 fire trucks and an ambulance. Now I get to go get a tetanus shot. How embarrassing.

Sooooo glad I live ALONE in an apartment now, but I bet not nearly as glad as the guy who made the above post!

ACTA - Just say NO!!

What is ACTA?
From wikipedia:
"The Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement (ACTA) is a proposed plurilateral trade agreement for establishing international standards on intellectual property rights enforcement throughout the participating countries. It's described by its proponents as a response "to the increase in global trade of counterfeit goods and pirated copyright protected works." The scope of ACTA is broad, including counterfeit goods, as well as "piracy over the Internet"."
That is just the introduction, I suggest you read the rest of it here.

Who should oppose ACTA? Everyone. That's right, you heard me, I said everyone. Even if you think a three strikes law is the greatest idea ever proposed, you should be standing up, screaming in opposition. ACTA is everything freedom isn't. It's behind closed doors, with a few people from huge corporations allowed to observe the negotiations, all of whom had to sign a non disclosure agreement to make sure the facts didn't get out to the great unwashed. I understand secrecy, if a government is building a new weapon they don't want potential enemies to get ahold of the plans for it. But ACTA isn't a weapon, ACTA is a trade agreement. The only reason to keep it secret is because the guilty have something to hide. They think enough of the worlds populous won't like part, or all of it, so they want to hide from the light, and force it through quickly once it's finished. If the treaty was (as it should be) posted on the web, and subject to public scrutiny it's unlikely the more odious provisions would survive.
 Supporters of strong copyright laws need to wake up and smell the coffee regarding ACTA. See, what we are talking about here is PRECEDENCE! Essentially a group of countries got together in secret to negotiate international law. Lets say this gets ram-rodded through, this will become the norm for international law making; why let those pesky interfering peons know what your up to when you don't have to!? ACTA is anathema to the concept of public participation in government. It is a jack boot, fascist, "we say, you do" method of lawmaking that should have went out with Hitler and Stalin.

Jammie Thomas - ridiculous award from tard jury

This is about the jury verdict in Capitol v. Thomas, where a jury awarded 2 million dollars to the plaintiff for for infringing 24 songs. More details are here: Capitol v. Thomas
The original decision was typical of the American jury system, best described as collective retardism, where the total IQ for the jury rarely exceeds 600. Why is this? Think of jury duty as an IQ test, the smarter you are the more likely it is you will talk your way out of it. “But it’s your civic duty” some say. Here’s the deal. The judge get’s paid 70 – 100+k, the lawyer gets whatever he can squeeze out of the client, I would guess the prosecutor makes between 35-45k(maybe more, I don’t know), and all the court officers get paid too. Do you know how much people get paid for serving on a Minnesota jury? Ten bucks a day, plus round trip mileage for an additional whopping sum of 27 cents a mile.
http://www.courts.mn.gov/?page=1341#WillIBePaid
Most trials are short, but what if you win the shit lottery and get stuck on jury duty for a trial that lasts for months? I think it’s fairly safe to say most people can’t make rent on that, let alone pay other bills, like car payments, insurance, electric, ect… So the reward for being a “good citizen” is to get evicted and have your car repossessed if you win the long trial shit lottery. Yeah, I’d say that pretty much weeds out 99% of the smart people, as they will run screaming from a “civic duty” which could leave them homeless. On the other hand, if you are on welfare, or an alcoholic bum not looking for work, why NOT serve on a jury? So there you have it, that’s why you wind up with idiotic verdicts like $80,000 per song, a decision with no grounding in civil law, criminal law, or any other law, just a bunch of idiots who wanted to punish the big bad pirate.

It's good for you

Did you ever notice, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that's "good for you" sucks. Lets start with food. Of all the food groups, what is the very best for you? Green vegetables. BLECCCCHH!!!!!! Green vegetables taste like CRUD, and one of most nutritious, Broccoli smells like old bum piss too. Waiter, WAITER, can I have a side of dog shit with that!!! Of course for every yin there is a yang and it's the same here, as everything good for you sucks, everything bad for you rocks! Lets go back to food, bypassing the green crap, we arrive at the meat section. Here we have mouth watering fatty steak, deep fried chicken, batter soaked fish, POOOORK!!! Hell yeah I'll take fatty fries with that!! Of course it's all fattening, artery clog city, but it's one heaping plateful of AWESOME!!!!

Now lets get to exercise. Exercise sucks. Bigtime. I guess if you are one of those people who can go for 40min running/biking hard, while barely breaking a sweat it's less odious, but if you are not so fortunate it's like walking into a swamp, truly a loathsome endeavor, and no, a short walk doesn't do shit, at least not for me. If I'm not exercising like Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket with Sgt. Hartman up his ass I get zero and I mean zero benefit from it. Thanks, but no thanks. Of course, doing something actually FUN, like playing video games or watching a great movie, or maybe reading a book are all bad for you, after eating the fatty meat and fries there is nothing like a nice, passive group of uber fun hobbys for weight gain.

Then you have rubbers. If your a guy I don't need to explain why rubbers suck, of course they are good for you as they prevent unwanted children and aids.

Is winter good for you? Considering how high a suck factor it has, it probably is.

Nerd food pyramid yummmmmm!