Ahh Christmas, the birth of HOLY Jesus!! Where Christians everywhere celebrate the miracle of immaculate conception. This is where Jesus's mother, the holy virgin, managed to become pregnant without ever being soiled by a man's penis. Do you believe this? Really? Contact me, I have a bridge for sale. I'll give you a great deal on it too.
What really happened is most likely something like this, so here is my holiday gift to you, the Theory of Ejaculate Conception.
Women back then were sometimes subject to arranged marriages. From some accounts, Joseph, Marys husband, was an older fellow. So here she is, young Mary, married to an old cuck she's really not all that interested in to begin with. So the night of the wedding, without further adieu, he pulls out his withered, limp old prick. Mary is underwhelmed by this and tells him, in the words of women past, present, and future "Ickk, there is no WAY you are putting that in me!!" To which Joseph sighs and does what he has always done before marriage - rolls over, jerks off, and goes to sleep. Mary is a Shepherdess, her job is to go into nowheresville with a flock of sheep, graze them, and bring them back to town for safe keeping at night. One day she runs into a Sheppard. And he is not an old man. He is young, and very comely to look upon. She runs into him often in the fields, where the only eye witnesses to anything are the sheep, and they aren't talking. Things get close, and Mary learns that the young Sheppard's penis is neither wrinkled nor limp. Indeed, it is like a pile driver, the young Sheppard brags he can pound stakes with it, but what it winds up pounding is Mary, frequently. Being in ancient times, the worlds first condom shop has not yet opened so not surprisingly Mary gets pregnant. Now these days in such a situation there would most likely be a lot of yelling, with the word "slut" repeated about a hundred times, followed by an expensive and acrimonious divorce. Back in the day, Mary's day that is, they did things differently. Women got stoned to death for adultery. So Mary isn't about to say, "Oh yeah, I LOVED every second of it when my young stud boyfriend pumped his man-juice into me", because while the truth, such an admission would get her killed. From his frequent complaints at the marketplace everyone already knows Joseph hasn't been getting any so she can't claim him as the father. What to do, what to do?? Mary is no slouch, she concocts a story of god, miraculously impregnating her with no sex!! Immaculate Conception!!!!
So she sold this bill of goods to enough of the ignorant not only to avoid being stoned, but to wind up becoming an enduring superstar who's fame has lasted to this day. You go girl!!!!
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Aren't you a little bit young to be this cynical?
ReplyDeleteDo you really believe that in over two thousand years, nobody else has ever considered this possibility?
Don't you think that Joseph's thoughts wandered where you have so graphically been?
Sadly, your theory falls down on several fronts:
1) The Virgin birth was prophesied by Isaiah, more than seven centuries before. That would be like someone in William the Conqueror's Court predicting the Declaration of Independence.
2) They had tests for virginity. While they were not foolproof, they were fairly accurate — and in a contentious case like this, there would have multiple checks to confirm.
3) Joseph certainly did not have to marry Mary to save her from being stoned. Scripture says clearly that he had it in mind to divorce her quietly, and was going to do so, but…
4) …an angel came to him in a dream and told him not to. To me that sounds more far-fetched than the idea of a Virgin Birth, but Joseph seemed to think otherwise. And frankly, if it was good enough for him, I'm not going to argue. But you, apparently, know better.
5) There is absolutely no evidence to support your "Mary-was-a-shepherdess" theory. In those days, those who tended sheep were a class apart, looked down upon by most "ordinary" people. Mary came from a good (though not rich) family, as her lineage attests.
You can choose to believe or not to believe that Jesus was the son of God. We can agree to disagree on that. You can choose to believe that some denominations are way over-obsessed with Mary. I would tend to agree with you. But being deliberately offensive does you no credit.
Lest you dismiss me as narrow-minded, bigoted etc., here's an exercise for you: feel free to write a similar screed on Mohammad (who, according to their holy writings, had six wives, while good Muslims were limited to four; who talked of peace until he had gathered an army; who preached poverty while being one of the richest men in the Middle East, to name just a few of his inconsistencies), and wait for the fatwa - let's see how long they let you live.
One more thing; If you choose not to believe in the existence and divinity of Jesus Christ, I trust that you will not be engaging in the hypocrisy of taking Christmas Day off as a paid holiday — or, in its original definition, "Holy Day".
I used to subscribe to your RSS feed and read your writings regularly, but after reading this, I canceled it. Aside from debating this point with you, I shall not pass this way again.
@wizardprang
ReplyDeleteYou probably won't read this, but I'll reply anyway.
"Virgin birth was prophesied by Isaiah"
Did he quote the exact date, and the name of the mother? Even if he got the name right, Mary was probably a very common name so that still doesn't prove anything.
"They had tests for virginity" - Pardon me for being underwhelmed by medical science as performed by peasants in Roman times. I think the only "test" they had was to see if the hymen was broken. There are two possibilities here. First, the aggrieved party, Joseph, had his doubts but would rather be known as the husband of the mother who birthed the savior, rather than just another aging cuckold married to a too young wife. The second would be maybe there was not enough or no penetration to break the hymen. If there is no penetration but still seminal impregnation does that make a virgin birth?
"an angel came to him in a dream and told him not to." - Micky Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy, as well as Frodo and Gimli the dwarf came to me in a dream and told me to jump off a cliff. So sad, I decided not to listen.
There is absolutely no evidence to support your "Mary-was-a-shepherdess" theory - You got me there, I recall reading somewhere that she was but that is definitely debatable. Still doesn't invalidate the point of cuckoldry, just that it happened some other way.
"feel free to write a similar screed on Mohammad" - I don't know enough about Mohamed to criticize his "miracles", if he had any. I never once anywhere in any of my blogs or comments claimed Islam was superior to Christianity, it isn't. It's just another fantasy that happens to have some hardcore vicious fanatics who take joy in killing people over a non existent god.
"engaging in the hypocrisy of taking Christmas Day off as a paid holiday" - So sorry, but my place of work closes that day, I have no choice in the matter. If it was given an option as a floating holiday I probably would take it at another time, say June or July when the weather is better.
My mother who was a good Catholic, taught me that "immaculate conception" was about being free from original sin - the apple in the garden of Eden - and not free from sperm. Not sure how widely accepted that notion is, but it would alter the proverbial thrust of the story.
ReplyDeleteScientists have studied how often a man claiming he is the father of a child is in fact not the father. The number I recall is between 5-10%, or 1 in 10-20 children, dad is not biological. This makes sense for evolution. No matter how good looking or old a man is, few men today test for fertility. It makes sense for a woman to sleep around a little bit, so if the husband is not fertile, at least the mother has a child. Completely 100% faithful women lose to those a little loose. The data is in technical journals.
wizardprang, it would be wise not to use the word "evidence" in discussing stories from the Bible. There are others more skilled in the art of shredding the Good Book. Even for a hack like me, it is quite easy. The Book of Genesis has two creation stories. After that, I stopped reading. It did not come as a surprise when I heard biblical scholars do not believe any of the disciples were there for the crucifixtion, but sure told different stories that sounded like the fab four had front row seats. The evidence for Jesus riding from the dead - the linch pin of Christianity - is so weak, only a believer would believe it, and they do.
To the disappointment of my mother, God bless her soul, I have abandon the Catholic faith. I do live in this society, where "God bless her soul" is part of the lexicon paying homage to her time here. Likewise, there is a long tradition of Christmas which commerce has done a great job of taking over the dominant message. What will Santa bring you, salvation or a new iPad? Be honest, which do you want more now? Santa accepts credit cards.
@TheStandUpPhysicist
ReplyDeleteOne part of the Bible that did seem realistic to me was Paul denying multiple times when questioned by Roman soldiers that he knew Jesus. I doubt being stuck by a pilum or being hung up on a cross appealed very much to him. Rather than watching the execution of Jesus he was probably leaving a cloud of dust behind as he ran out of town.